The Break-Up

Haha, bet I caught your attention with that post title! No, it's some hoax or misleading title, it is what it is, I am single again and my relationship with my (now ex) boyfriend is over.

I can tell you now this isn't going to be a sob story/pity party/fake "I'm over it!" kind of entry. I just thought I'd get everything I am actually thinking or feeling out there so people will know and I wouldn't have to retell my "side of the story" over and over again

*warning there will be cliche 'moments', haha

So here's where my head (and (cliche) heart) is at right now:

-> Yes I am sad
-> No I am not unhappy (if that makes sense)
-> It was mutual and we're still friends (it ended on good terms)
-> No, no one is to blame for anything; again it was a decision we both agreed upon and we're cool about it
-> I am okay! It's a break-up, not a death! Though it's my first, I get that these things happen and they're just a reality people blow up into something bigger than what it actually is. I highly doubt I'll be wallowing in front of my tv with a tub of ice-cream wishing life would end (not that there's anything really wrong with that) But more than that, we're doing this at a time that I felt ready.
-> Don't worry about me, I'll be fine :)

I think another reason I wanted to do this was also because I wanted to share some of the things I've learnt over the last 2 years. I sometimes tear up at the thought that I might have just wasted some of the best years of my life trying to fix my relationship; but I think the plan all along was for me to learn so much more about myself and how life is a series of getting creative with the lemons handed to you ;)

Lesson 1

I made the mistake of loving the guy more than myself, (or anyone else) and that was one of the biggest mistakes I could have made that brought me more hurt and heartbreak. Although I knew better, I still allowed my (cliche...) heart...to control my judgement. I know (or at least I'm learning) better to not make that mistake again. We've heard it so many times before but I'll say it again-no guy is worth that.

Lesson 2

I wasn't realistic. I was in fairy-land (I am allowed to say that because I am a Primary School Teacher :p). I heard wedding bells the day we got together and I refused to stop hearing them till it was too late. I was in denial and I fought so hard for that dream to not die. It was not his fault, nor mine that that's never going to happen. It just life. Things happen, people change. I made the mistake of jumping ahead of time before I allowed the reality of life to kick in. To be fair, we did talk about it and it felt like a done deal from the start, but again, life takes momentum and you suddenly realise how hard juggling everything can be. I know I sound super vague right now, haha, but I guess my point is to be a balance of optimistic and realistic. At least that's what I wish I had done from the start :)

Lesson 3

There are always better fish out in the sea.... :) Maybe not Tom Hiddleston type of fish, haha..But pretty darn good fish none the less. People always made me think that what I had was perfect, and although he wasn't a bad guy, he wasn't perfect for me...he knew it, I knew it (eventually..) But I kept telling myself I couldn't possibly do any better! Such, a, lie! It'll take a while for my head to get around it, but I do look forward to meeting new people and just allowing myself to find other guys attractive. It's like this weird process; when you're with someone for a while, you automatically turn your radar off with other guys, and not turning back on is weird! Haha! Not that I don't want to do it, I just need a "minute or two" I suppose :p



Lesson 4

I couldn't have said it better myself. The people whom I let in and trusted with the initial cracks of our relationship were really supportive and understanding. I was showered in shame and I refused to allow the reality of my failed relationship to show in public, but my really close friends knew what to do, and were really loving towards me (despite my crazy..) I didn't feel as broken and messed up. Don't do any journey alone. It's hard and so no worth it. Though it's difficult and embarrassing at times, but if you find the right people, they will be exactly what you'll need to help put yourself back together. I love my friends and I'm so grateful for them :) 

 XOXO

Lesson 5

(last one)

It's just a relationship in the end of the day. There is so much more to life, so much more to YOU than any relationship can do or give you. I think with the mixture of me not loving myself enough, being unrealistic and deluded by the idea that I had only one option,...I just stopped living...I didn't care to grow or learn anything more about myself. Even with this blog, my last post was a little more than a year ago. I genuinely lost the heart or motivation to post anything because I was drowning in my own condemnation and judgement. That's I guess what makes me sad the most. That I stopped trying, and tried too much at the same time. I'm learning now to be really happy and honest with myself and to just love what I have going for me. No life's not perfect, but it is pretty amazing. 

With all of that being said, I must be honest now and say that none of these lessons are easy to do or follow. I struggle still, and I know it'll be a constant battle of one step forward, two steps back. I know when I see couples in public, I will miss him, and break-up songs will be the anthem of my life and...I know I'll find moving on really difficult. I think all of us who have done it know the cost and pain of it, it's brutal...But so necessary. I know now I rather push through the pain of a break-up than drag myself through the heartache of a failed relationship. Neither one feels good, but at least one of it will get me on the path of recovery & moving on.

I trust that this whole journey will make absolute sense and hurt a lot less one day. I know the God I believe in cares about me and has loved me (furiously, faithfully, deeply, patiently,...) through all of this. Though I've been a mess and I've lost so much of my self-worth and identity, I will rediscover it soon enough. I am hopeful, which is something I haven't been in a very long time... :)

Thank you so much for reading this and if you were part of this journey at some point, thanks for being there for me :)

It's just an end and start to a really potential filled life that I am really happy to be sharing with you :)