My Own Class

So it has finally happened! All my 3 years of studying and training has come down to this one moment, my own class :)

I feel like I'm on my period-pregnant-menopausal-ish person right now to be honest..The mix of emotions is indescribablyy..Some days I am ecstatic and so excited about this new journey, other days I literally feel sick to my stomach (I kid you not, I have never been so nauseous before!) I'm not sure what is going on with me, (and my body) but it does feel like all this newness is adjusting to all of me. Dramatic, I know, but I suppose I shouldn't take this change so lightly now should I? This is my future, the next years of my life will be this life---teaching---for real! It doesn't sound huge, but it is, it's a huge huge thing and I'm glad I'm not taking it lightly :)

   

I spent the whole of my half-term break preparing for my new class. It took a whole morning to sort my classroom out and have it find some sort of identity and attachment to me. It's not nearly where I would like it to be, but I am happy with where it's at now, it's me...I can walk into class on Monday feeling at home and at ease with the way it looks and feels :) Well worth the labour and effort. As I was getting stuff done, the reality of this being my new "home" was easing it's way in my head...I remember smiling at certain moments and aching at others when I spot areas of the class that I just could not fixx..It's a reflection of me and I want it to look as perfect as possible! I know it's not realistic, but I want to reach to the standards I have set myself to achieve. I want to be that teacher that dreams big and tries so freaking hard to achieve all that she can. I want and believe that the kids under my care will grow & thrive and show progress...progress that I helped create :) 

I remember walking down the hallway on my first day visiting my class and getting stares from all the other teachers..Most of them were pleasant and kind stares, but there were some "Geez she's young...How is she going to fit in here???.." stares too. I know I am going to get "That's too much work.." or "Can we not make it simpler??" comments every now and then..And although I will be my polite and jovial self, my answer will always be "No, we must push to give our kids the best..." It's a far fetched dream I will not pass out on any-time-soon. I love teaching and I know I can be a damn good teacher if I tried. What's the point in having something you're good at and not pushing for potential to be achieved. It's like me having a student in my class who is a genius, and me doing nothing to support and push him further as a teacher! I allow him to be average because it's too much trouble to support his potential...nonsense! Wanting the best works both ways, I need to give the best in order to see the best come out of them..And I will..I will try try try as hard as I can :) 

These are all just words now and it'll will probably be my last for a very long time. Being a teacher leaves you little time to blog,haha, but I'm glad I got to do this. It'll be a good reminder from time to time :) 

 

#DearMe

I don't really want to say much other than, you are worthy and deserving of ever happiness and joy you can find along your discoveries of living life. You should feel proud of all your accomplishments and know that you have made a difference in the lives of the people surrounding you. There is no shame in making mistakes, however often and intentional they may be, you will continue to grow and learn each and every day to be a better you. Smile as often as you can, cry as often as you must, and never look back with regret, but always be present with hope that greater things have yet to come :) You are amazing!

Mending...

Where I am now: Perspective

 

So with the mix of emotions/conversations/reflections and thoughts that I've had since my last post, I can say confidentlyy I am now in a state of calm confusion, and am pleasantly at peace with it.

Truthfully there are days I tip at the point of self loathing. My thoughts race far beyond the usual self-condemning talk because of the break-up, and hits the point of absolute self-hatred at every wrong decision I am currently making. But for the most part, I fall asleep at night quite peacefully. I don't know if it is the lack of care of where I am at right now, or if I'm just looking at things differently...

I will say this though, this one thing I've learnt that has been so precious and comforting to me, and that keeps me alive everyday; God still loves me. It's so very unexplainably easy to fall under the power of guilt and shame when you're hitting a curveball like me, and
I can't tell you how many times I could have made the decision of giving in and doing something really bad. But every time I allowed the thought of God to come in, it has been powerful enough to stop me in my tracks and put my mind at ease of everything turbulent I was feeling in that moment. I know it's nothing revolutionary or life changing; it's the simplest thing anyone could say to someone; but it honestly makes me a much better me every single day.

I know that everyday is a chance for me to live a little more for myself and Him. I know if I tried to be a little more me, He'll shine through as well. I took this for granted so much over the last few years and I just want to be more mindful of it now. He's not mad, He doesn't dislike me, He's not disappointed..He just wants me to want Him; and to want myself. I'm happy with looking at things that way, and that's made me a much happier me in turn.

So I guess what I'm trying to say is...I am a work in progress. Sometimes I'm getting built at a rapid and efficient pace, sometimes a huge chunk of me collapses and I've got to start rebuilding. And I've learnt to be okay with that. To smile and see the purpose in "one step forward, two steps back". I'm learning to be happy with just consistently loving myself and my God :) It's the best and most important thing for me noww.. 

The Break-Up

Haha, bet I caught your attention with that post title! No, it's some hoax or misleading title, it is what it is, I am single again and my relationship with my (now ex) boyfriend is over.

I can tell you now this isn't going to be a sob story/pity party/fake "I'm over it!" kind of entry. I just thought I'd get everything I am actually thinking or feeling out there so people will know and I wouldn't have to retell my "side of the story" over and over again

*warning there will be cliche 'moments', haha

So here's where my head (and (cliche) heart) is at right now:

-> Yes I am sad
-> No I am not unhappy (if that makes sense)
-> It was mutual and we're still friends (it ended on good terms)
-> No, no one is to blame for anything; again it was a decision we both agreed upon and we're cool about it
-> I am okay! It's a break-up, not a death! Though it's my first, I get that these things happen and they're just a reality people blow up into something bigger than what it actually is. I highly doubt I'll be wallowing in front of my tv with a tub of ice-cream wishing life would end (not that there's anything really wrong with that) But more than that, we're doing this at a time that I felt ready.
-> Don't worry about me, I'll be fine :)

I think another reason I wanted to do this was also because I wanted to share some of the things I've learnt over the last 2 years. I sometimes tear up at the thought that I might have just wasted some of the best years of my life trying to fix my relationship; but I think the plan all along was for me to learn so much more about myself and how life is a series of getting creative with the lemons handed to you ;)

Lesson 1

I made the mistake of loving the guy more than myself, (or anyone else) and that was one of the biggest mistakes I could have made that brought me more hurt and heartbreak. Although I knew better, I still allowed my (cliche...) heart...to control my judgement. I know (or at least I'm learning) better to not make that mistake again. We've heard it so many times before but I'll say it again-no guy is worth that.

Lesson 2

I wasn't realistic. I was in fairy-land (I am allowed to say that because I am a Primary School Teacher :p). I heard wedding bells the day we got together and I refused to stop hearing them till it was too late. I was in denial and I fought so hard for that dream to not die. It was not his fault, nor mine that that's never going to happen. It just life. Things happen, people change. I made the mistake of jumping ahead of time before I allowed the reality of life to kick in. To be fair, we did talk about it and it felt like a done deal from the start, but again, life takes momentum and you suddenly realise how hard juggling everything can be. I know I sound super vague right now, haha, but I guess my point is to be a balance of optimistic and realistic. At least that's what I wish I had done from the start :)

Lesson 3

There are always better fish out in the sea.... :) Maybe not Tom Hiddleston type of fish, haha..But pretty darn good fish none the less. People always made me think that what I had was perfect, and although he wasn't a bad guy, he wasn't perfect for me...he knew it, I knew it (eventually..) But I kept telling myself I couldn't possibly do any better! Such, a, lie! It'll take a while for my head to get around it, but I do look forward to meeting new people and just allowing myself to find other guys attractive. It's like this weird process; when you're with someone for a while, you automatically turn your radar off with other guys, and not turning back on is weird! Haha! Not that I don't want to do it, I just need a "minute or two" I suppose :p



Lesson 4

I couldn't have said it better myself. The people whom I let in and trusted with the initial cracks of our relationship were really supportive and understanding. I was showered in shame and I refused to allow the reality of my failed relationship to show in public, but my really close friends knew what to do, and were really loving towards me (despite my crazy..) I didn't feel as broken and messed up. Don't do any journey alone. It's hard and so no worth it. Though it's difficult and embarrassing at times, but if you find the right people, they will be exactly what you'll need to help put yourself back together. I love my friends and I'm so grateful for them :) 

 XOXO

Lesson 5

(last one)

It's just a relationship in the end of the day. There is so much more to life, so much more to YOU than any relationship can do or give you. I think with the mixture of me not loving myself enough, being unrealistic and deluded by the idea that I had only one option,...I just stopped living...I didn't care to grow or learn anything more about myself. Even with this blog, my last post was a little more than a year ago. I genuinely lost the heart or motivation to post anything because I was drowning in my own condemnation and judgement. That's I guess what makes me sad the most. That I stopped trying, and tried too much at the same time. I'm learning now to be really happy and honest with myself and to just love what I have going for me. No life's not perfect, but it is pretty amazing. 

With all of that being said, I must be honest now and say that none of these lessons are easy to do or follow. I struggle still, and I know it'll be a constant battle of one step forward, two steps back. I know when I see couples in public, I will miss him, and break-up songs will be the anthem of my life and...I know I'll find moving on really difficult. I think all of us who have done it know the cost and pain of it, it's brutal...But so necessary. I know now I rather push through the pain of a break-up than drag myself through the heartache of a failed relationship. Neither one feels good, but at least one of it will get me on the path of recovery & moving on.

I trust that this whole journey will make absolute sense and hurt a lot less one day. I know the God I believe in cares about me and has loved me (furiously, faithfully, deeply, patiently,...) through all of this. Though I've been a mess and I've lost so much of my self-worth and identity, I will rediscover it soon enough. I am hopeful, which is something I haven't been in a very long time... :)

Thank you so much for reading this and if you were part of this journey at some point, thanks for being there for me :)

It's just an end and start to a really potential filled life that I am really happy to be sharing with you :)

Dear Anne

Dear 2013 Anne,

Usually people do this for future purposes in the long run, but I want to do it just reviewing this year. I figure it'll be good for us to look back on this next year and learn-remember what mattered to us.

So lessons I have learnt from 2013:

1.) Love Mornings

Your job will require you waking up earlier and earlier everyday, so you better get used to loving mornings. When you're at work, the second you step in, you need to be happy, chirpy and ready to work non-stop for the next 9 hours. Also, please sleep early the night before; it doesn't do you any favors staying up late and dragging yourself with coffee that doesn't agree with your system the next day. 

2.) Organize yourself
It helps when you prepare for the days and weeks ahead. As lazy as you are, you need you take the time to structure yourself and your life. I think we could be a better us if we took the time to do that. We bought an amazingly awesome planner, lets actually put it to use this year shall we..? 

3.) Take the Trouble

In 2014, take the trouble; take the trouble to plan for lessons, take the trouble to help your kids out even though they tug on your very last nerve...take the trouble to check up on your friends, take the trouble to have a more colorful social life...take the trouble to sit down with God more often, take the trouble to read, listen and talk...Go out of your way next year, and be a blessing to others. 

4.) Guard Your Heart....
Know now that balance isn't something you've quite mastered yet. In relationships, you tend to throw in everything you have, only to end up really broken. Your Father did warn you about this:
"Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it." Proverbs 4:23
So remember to question where your heart is at, and to lead it back to balance. We don't want to shut people out, neither do we want to put ourselves out there completely.

At the same time...






5.) Love Even Though it Hurts Sometimes
No matter how right you might think you are, or how wrong the other person is; no matter how selfish both parties have been; no matter how little attention you get; no matter how taken for granted you feel...it doesn't matter how justified and cared for you feel in a relationship...you need to love them anyway...love because that is your surrender to forgiving them, love because indifference is so much harder..love because you know it's good for the both of you, love because that's what God would want you to do...

6.) Grace
Do everything with the grace of God. That's the only way to live; only way to be happy; only way to hope. 

7.) Put God First
Ironic that I'm typing this last,haha. Saving the best for last...
No matter how swayed, how far you've drifted, how long away you are from home...Know that you can always head back and choose every day, every minute, every moment, to put Him first. Never question His love for you (or vice versa). Know that you belong; you're wanted and accepted; you're cared for and loved. And in the end of the day, the things of this world will fail, but He won't. He never will....Stop apologizing, start living :)



Have an awesome 2014. Lotsa love ♥