Where I am now: Perspective

 

So with the mix of emotions/conversations/reflections and thoughts that I've had since my last post, I can say confidentlyy I am now in a state of calm confusion, and am pleasantly at peace with it.

Truthfully there are days I tip at the point of self loathing. My thoughts race far beyond the usual self-condemning talk because of the break-up, and hits the point of absolute self-hatred at every wrong decision I am currently making. But for the most part, I fall asleep at night quite peacefully. I don't know if it is the lack of care of where I am at right now, or if I'm just looking at things differently...

I will say this though, this one thing I've learnt that has been so precious and comforting to me, and that keeps me alive everyday; God still loves me. It's so very unexplainably easy to fall under the power of guilt and shame when you're hitting a curveball like me, and
I can't tell you how many times I could have made the decision of giving in and doing something really bad. But every time I allowed the thought of God to come in, it has been powerful enough to stop me in my tracks and put my mind at ease of everything turbulent I was feeling in that moment. I know it's nothing revolutionary or life changing; it's the simplest thing anyone could say to someone; but it honestly makes me a much better me every single day.

I know that everyday is a chance for me to live a little more for myself and Him. I know if I tried to be a little more me, He'll shine through as well. I took this for granted so much over the last few years and I just want to be more mindful of it now. He's not mad, He doesn't dislike me, He's not disappointed..He just wants me to want Him; and to want myself. I'm happy with looking at things that way, and that's made me a much happier me in turn.

So I guess what I'm trying to say is...I am a work in progress. Sometimes I'm getting built at a rapid and efficient pace, sometimes a huge chunk of me collapses and I've got to start rebuilding. And I've learnt to be okay with that. To smile and see the purpose in "one step forward, two steps back". I'm learning to be happy with just consistently loving myself and my God :) It's the best and most important thing for me noww..