Countless Second Chances

I was just thinking about my week today, and it was a good week...Tiring as usual and I struggled feeling a bit sick on a couple of occasions, but overall pretty good...Still, I don't know why, maybe because I felt sick and other things, I was feeling so crap about myself...And I kept complaining about my life to God and kept asking Him to give me a way out, like I just wanted to stop doing everything, just stop and be by myself.

And just when all that honesty came out, this sudden slow & thick fog of regret and shame fell upon me...Like literally I felt my room darken with disappointment as I curled into a corner and cried for even thinking that I had a reason to complain...I kept apologizing to God for being such a difficult person, and then "hating" myself for feeling sorry for myself...It was just a moment of contradictory emotions and after a while, I was left feeling confused and empty...like I felt like I cried everything out and now I have nothing, haha...

Somehow I stumbled upon this video....And really, it is unspeakable how accurately the words hit my heart. Terms like:

 "Our default position as strugglers is to believe that God is disappointed and frustrated at us..that He is simply is tolerating us"

"He does not regret saving you."

"You haven't surprised Him, you cannot surprise Him"

"You do not disgust Him"

I don't know about you, but even though I've been in a relationship with God for a while, and know by heart the forgiveness of Christ, I still struggle with shame and worthlessness...

I can't count the amount of times I drop my head down thinking that God just saw that and is disappointed in me (even though I know better!!) And it takes time for it to sink in, it takes time for me to accept the way God sees me, takes time for me to accept myself the way He does...And just to allow His love in completely...


I hope this is a good reminder for you because it certainly was for me...I think this is a closet struggle for a lot of us. Sometimes expectations from front, right, left and center put us at a high pedestal position and when we think we've failed, the drop from the top is long and we feel the pain of crashing...But I think it's important to know that God doesn't see us that way...It's not about performing, not about living up to things...The hardest, yet easiest thing we can do is to know and accept that who we are (exactly as we are now) is all God loves and cares about...That's all...



Let me know your thoughts and struggles, if you have any, it's good to know I'm not alone too,haha ;)