Mending...

Where I am now: Perspective

 

So with the mix of emotions/conversations/reflections and thoughts that I've had since my last post, I can say confidentlyy I am now in a state of calm confusion, and am pleasantly at peace with it.

Truthfully there are days I tip at the point of self loathing. My thoughts race far beyond the usual self-condemning talk because of the break-up, and hits the point of absolute self-hatred at every wrong decision I am currently making. But for the most part, I fall asleep at night quite peacefully. I don't know if it is the lack of care of where I am at right now, or if I'm just looking at things differently...

I will say this though, this one thing I've learnt that has been so precious and comforting to me, and that keeps me alive everyday; God still loves me. It's so very unexplainably easy to fall under the power of guilt and shame when you're hitting a curveball like me, and
I can't tell you how many times I could have made the decision of giving in and doing something really bad. But every time I allowed the thought of God to come in, it has been powerful enough to stop me in my tracks and put my mind at ease of everything turbulent I was feeling in that moment. I know it's nothing revolutionary or life changing; it's the simplest thing anyone could say to someone; but it honestly makes me a much better me every single day.

I know that everyday is a chance for me to live a little more for myself and Him. I know if I tried to be a little more me, He'll shine through as well. I took this for granted so much over the last few years and I just want to be more mindful of it now. He's not mad, He doesn't dislike me, He's not disappointed..He just wants me to want Him; and to want myself. I'm happy with looking at things that way, and that's made me a much happier me in turn.

So I guess what I'm trying to say is...I am a work in progress. Sometimes I'm getting built at a rapid and efficient pace, sometimes a huge chunk of me collapses and I've got to start rebuilding. And I've learnt to be okay with that. To smile and see the purpose in "one step forward, two steps back". I'm learning to be happy with just consistently loving myself and my God :) It's the best and most important thing for me noww.. 

The Break-Up

Haha, bet I caught your attention with that post title! No, it's some hoax or misleading title, it is what it is, I am single again and my relationship with my (now ex) boyfriend is over.

I can tell you now this isn't going to be a sob story/pity party/fake "I'm over it!" kind of entry. I just thought I'd get everything I am actually thinking or feeling out there so people will know and I wouldn't have to retell my "side of the story" over and over again

*warning there will be cliche 'moments', haha

So here's where my head (and (cliche) heart) is at right now:

-> Yes I am sad
-> No I am not unhappy (if that makes sense)
-> It was mutual and we're still friends (it ended on good terms)
-> No, no one is to blame for anything; again it was a decision we both agreed upon and we're cool about it
-> I am okay! It's a break-up, not a death! Though it's my first, I get that these things happen and they're just a reality people blow up into something bigger than what it actually is. I highly doubt I'll be wallowing in front of my tv with a tub of ice-cream wishing life would end (not that there's anything really wrong with that) But more than that, we're doing this at a time that I felt ready.
-> Don't worry about me, I'll be fine :)

I think another reason I wanted to do this was also because I wanted to share some of the things I've learnt over the last 2 years. I sometimes tear up at the thought that I might have just wasted some of the best years of my life trying to fix my relationship; but I think the plan all along was for me to learn so much more about myself and how life is a series of getting creative with the lemons handed to you ;)

Lesson 1

I made the mistake of loving the guy more than myself, (or anyone else) and that was one of the biggest mistakes I could have made that brought me more hurt and heartbreak. Although I knew better, I still allowed my (cliche...) heart...to control my judgement. I know (or at least I'm learning) better to not make that mistake again. We've heard it so many times before but I'll say it again-no guy is worth that.

Lesson 2

I wasn't realistic. I was in fairy-land (I am allowed to say that because I am a Primary School Teacher :p). I heard wedding bells the day we got together and I refused to stop hearing them till it was too late. I was in denial and I fought so hard for that dream to not die. It was not his fault, nor mine that that's never going to happen. It just life. Things happen, people change. I made the mistake of jumping ahead of time before I allowed the reality of life to kick in. To be fair, we did talk about it and it felt like a done deal from the start, but again, life takes momentum and you suddenly realise how hard juggling everything can be. I know I sound super vague right now, haha, but I guess my point is to be a balance of optimistic and realistic. At least that's what I wish I had done from the start :)

Lesson 3

There are always better fish out in the sea.... :) Maybe not Tom Hiddleston type of fish, haha..But pretty darn good fish none the less. People always made me think that what I had was perfect, and although he wasn't a bad guy, he wasn't perfect for me...he knew it, I knew it (eventually..) But I kept telling myself I couldn't possibly do any better! Such, a, lie! It'll take a while for my head to get around it, but I do look forward to meeting new people and just allowing myself to find other guys attractive. It's like this weird process; when you're with someone for a while, you automatically turn your radar off with other guys, and not turning back on is weird! Haha! Not that I don't want to do it, I just need a "minute or two" I suppose :p



Lesson 4

I couldn't have said it better myself. The people whom I let in and trusted with the initial cracks of our relationship were really supportive and understanding. I was showered in shame and I refused to allow the reality of my failed relationship to show in public, but my really close friends knew what to do, and were really loving towards me (despite my crazy..) I didn't feel as broken and messed up. Don't do any journey alone. It's hard and so no worth it. Though it's difficult and embarrassing at times, but if you find the right people, they will be exactly what you'll need to help put yourself back together. I love my friends and I'm so grateful for them :) 

 XOXO

Lesson 5

(last one)

It's just a relationship in the end of the day. There is so much more to life, so much more to YOU than any relationship can do or give you. I think with the mixture of me not loving myself enough, being unrealistic and deluded by the idea that I had only one option,...I just stopped living...I didn't care to grow or learn anything more about myself. Even with this blog, my last post was a little more than a year ago. I genuinely lost the heart or motivation to post anything because I was drowning in my own condemnation and judgement. That's I guess what makes me sad the most. That I stopped trying, and tried too much at the same time. I'm learning now to be really happy and honest with myself and to just love what I have going for me. No life's not perfect, but it is pretty amazing. 

With all of that being said, I must be honest now and say that none of these lessons are easy to do or follow. I struggle still, and I know it'll be a constant battle of one step forward, two steps back. I know when I see couples in public, I will miss him, and break-up songs will be the anthem of my life and...I know I'll find moving on really difficult. I think all of us who have done it know the cost and pain of it, it's brutal...But so necessary. I know now I rather push through the pain of a break-up than drag myself through the heartache of a failed relationship. Neither one feels good, but at least one of it will get me on the path of recovery & moving on.

I trust that this whole journey will make absolute sense and hurt a lot less one day. I know the God I believe in cares about me and has loved me (furiously, faithfully, deeply, patiently,...) through all of this. Though I've been a mess and I've lost so much of my self-worth and identity, I will rediscover it soon enough. I am hopeful, which is something I haven't been in a very long time... :)

Thank you so much for reading this and if you were part of this journey at some point, thanks for being there for me :)

It's just an end and start to a really potential filled life that I am really happy to be sharing with you :)

Dear Anne

Dear 2013 Anne,

Usually people do this for future purposes in the long run, but I want to do it just reviewing this year. I figure it'll be good for us to look back on this next year and learn-remember what mattered to us.

So lessons I have learnt from 2013:

1.) Love Mornings

Your job will require you waking up earlier and earlier everyday, so you better get used to loving mornings. When you're at work, the second you step in, you need to be happy, chirpy and ready to work non-stop for the next 9 hours. Also, please sleep early the night before; it doesn't do you any favors staying up late and dragging yourself with coffee that doesn't agree with your system the next day. 

2.) Organize yourself
It helps when you prepare for the days and weeks ahead. As lazy as you are, you need you take the time to structure yourself and your life. I think we could be a better us if we took the time to do that. We bought an amazingly awesome planner, lets actually put it to use this year shall we..? 

3.) Take the Trouble

In 2014, take the trouble; take the trouble to plan for lessons, take the trouble to help your kids out even though they tug on your very last nerve...take the trouble to check up on your friends, take the trouble to have a more colorful social life...take the trouble to sit down with God more often, take the trouble to read, listen and talk...Go out of your way next year, and be a blessing to others. 

4.) Guard Your Heart....
Know now that balance isn't something you've quite mastered yet. In relationships, you tend to throw in everything you have, only to end up really broken. Your Father did warn you about this:
"Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it." Proverbs 4:23
So remember to question where your heart is at, and to lead it back to balance. We don't want to shut people out, neither do we want to put ourselves out there completely.

At the same time...






5.) Love Even Though it Hurts Sometimes
No matter how right you might think you are, or how wrong the other person is; no matter how selfish both parties have been; no matter how little attention you get; no matter how taken for granted you feel...it doesn't matter how justified and cared for you feel in a relationship...you need to love them anyway...love because that is your surrender to forgiving them, love because indifference is so much harder..love because you know it's good for the both of you, love because that's what God would want you to do...

6.) Grace
Do everything with the grace of God. That's the only way to live; only way to be happy; only way to hope. 

7.) Put God First
Ironic that I'm typing this last,haha. Saving the best for last...
No matter how swayed, how far you've drifted, how long away you are from home...Know that you can always head back and choose every day, every minute, every moment, to put Him first. Never question His love for you (or vice versa). Know that you belong; you're wanted and accepted; you're cared for and loved. And in the end of the day, the things of this world will fail, but He won't. He never will....Stop apologizing, start living :)



Have an awesome 2014. Lotsa love ♥

My Biggest Achievement In Life...

I'm getting really bad at organizing my thoughts and time again..I seem to struggle more when I've actually got time because I keep thinking "I've got time, I'll do it later"..and it never gets done..Why am I so bad at managing myself sometimes...? #mymomentofselfpity

So moving on to what I actually wanted to talk about: Identity. 

I don't know if any of you have ever seen "The Conversation With Amanda DeCadenat". If you haven't (if you have skip on over to the next next line), it's basically an alternative interview series with women whom have a story or experience to share. No topic is off limits, she (Amanda), brings up everything imaginable during the conversation, and it's honestly really good, like it's done in such a way that you feel like you were a part of the conversation..? I can't really explain it, but I learn a lot watching it..And there are some bits that I totally disagree with and sometimes I either fast forward cause it gets too raunchy or boring, but for the most part, I like it, I really feel inspired and enlightened listening to the stories these women have to tell; very very eye opening :)

There was this one interview that Amanda had with Zoe Saldana (actress). Again some bits where I was like "Hmm, I don't agree...", but there was one particular part where time froze for me..I remember hearing her say it for the first time..and I kept replaying it over and over again cause it reallyy spoke to me..And not just in a "oh that was good" way...Like it reeeaaaallllyy spoke to me..My thought process shifted a little and I got perspective I didn't have before watching that clip. 

I don't want to play it, cause it has bits I don't like,hahah, but I'll type up the part which I did like...

Amanda: As an objective outsider, I can see in your career choices, that you are one of the very few women who has a career that defies what sex you are

Zoe: I'm not defined by sex, I'm not defined by race, I'm not defined by a nationality, I'm Zoe...shrugs shoulders...and I could have been a boy, could have been a dog, but I'm just..I'm Zoe...I'm my mother's daughter, I'm my father's daughter, and that is my...how' how..how do you say..starts speaking in foreign language...that's my biggest achievement in life...

My Biggest Achievement in life...How many of us can say that our biggest achievement in life is knowing exactly who we are? And how many of us can say that who we are is exactly as we are, naked, without ties to things, places& people..Just us as a whole, being ourselves, is enough to sum our identity..Can many of us say that?? 

I was thinking about this so hard after I watched this...Though I know what constitutes the term "identity", I don't think I've ever just latched it on to me just being me..And it took me a while to work out with God that for me to truly live a life free from the cares of this world, I needed to accept all of ME as I AM and LOVE myself and who God has made me...


I don't know if I'm making much sense, and some of you are probably thinking "Yeahh..duhh" and it is probably a very "duhh" thing to talk about, but for me personally, I cannot say that I'm all there yet with loving the person that God has made me..Some days I really struggle with insecurities and trying to please the world instead of my God, and that will always be a work in progress for me..But on days where I do love God first, and where I am truest to the person He made me, I wear a smile because that was an achievement for me..Loving God is to love myself; there will no greater achievement for me than this  ;)

This is just my moment of "whoahh" and "I must tell someone" haha..I hope this has shifted your thinking too..Just know that no one can or should ever define you..Your definition comes from God, your maker.He knows and loves you exactly as you are and wants nothing more than to see you live life as you :)

You should check more of Amanda's "interviews" out on Youtube, they're all really awesome and you can learn a lot from these women :) 

Much Love

5 Reasons Why I Love Being A Teacher

1.) It's quite possibly the funnest job in the world!
To wake up every morning at 5:30am is a heavy burden; but to wake up to the thought that I'm going to be teaching 20 awesome kids changes everything; makes everything worth it..Kids are never boring, never tedious, never a chore..They're unpredictable, chaotic, and absolutely adorable; which makes this job so so fun :D

2.) Forces me to squeeze every creative juice out of mee...
I think you can tell from the way my blog is set up, I'm not the most artistic of bloggers..And I feel like I have little to no talent honestly, but when I'm with my kids, I learn, and I'm inspired :) Their simplicity and artistic perspective blows my mind; reminds me that there's hope for all,haha! The best of teachers are creative geniuses  so I'd like to think I'm working my way there ;P

3.) I don't always do the teaching
Best BEST part is when I learn from my kids :) And it isn't always about the curriculum, just them being themselves..The way they interact with one another: how they love, how they fight, how they forgive, how they care for each other..There's just so much innocence& sincerity faded from us that is still in them; such a joy watching them and learning :)



4.) You guessed it!
Hahah, honestly we'd be dead if we did not have our breaks! School holidays are ahhmaazhingg #EnoughSaid


5.) When they finally get it....
There are some lessons that you teach that are easy, and it's good and you're happy...But on days when you teach something, and no one gets it; no matter how hard you try to explain it, you know there's a wall between you and them..Days like that often end with you (me) feeling like the stupidest, most failed teacher :( But then that day comes...When you dreading-ly revisit the lesson, and you try to get through to them, but half give-up cause you know it's not gonna work...When suddenly...They get it...Like you actually see light bulbs turn on...And you test and retest, and your joy is coming to life; they really do get it...Omg, wow..Seriously..??...#BestFeelingEverrrr...! And not everyday is like that, but just teaching and knowing that you're actually getting the job done is so so rewarding and fulfilling...In the end, us teachers always reflect to see if we've accomplished what we set out to do (in a day, a week, a year even), and more often than not, we never get it all done, not to the standards we set ourselves..And that's frustrating...
But to know we've ticked some boxes, and just gotten somewhere in life with them,haha...no words can describe...Nothing else in this world can replace that feeling for me; knowing that I've done something for them.. #LegacyLeft ;)

Countless Second Chances

I was just thinking about my week today, and it was a good week...Tiring as usual and I struggled feeling a bit sick on a couple of occasions, but overall pretty good...Still, I don't know why, maybe because I felt sick and other things, I was feeling so crap about myself...And I kept complaining about my life to God and kept asking Him to give me a way out, like I just wanted to stop doing everything, just stop and be by myself.

And just when all that honesty came out, this sudden slow & thick fog of regret and shame fell upon me...Like literally I felt my room darken with disappointment as I curled into a corner and cried for even thinking that I had a reason to complain...I kept apologizing to God for being such a difficult person, and then "hating" myself for feeling sorry for myself...It was just a moment of contradictory emotions and after a while, I was left feeling confused and empty...like I felt like I cried everything out and now I have nothing, haha...

Somehow I stumbled upon this video....And really, it is unspeakable how accurately the words hit my heart. Terms like:

 "Our default position as strugglers is to believe that God is disappointed and frustrated at us..that He is simply is tolerating us"

"He does not regret saving you."

"You haven't surprised Him, you cannot surprise Him"

"You do not disgust Him"

I don't know about you, but even though I've been in a relationship with God for a while, and know by heart the forgiveness of Christ, I still struggle with shame and worthlessness...

I can't count the amount of times I drop my head down thinking that God just saw that and is disappointed in me (even though I know better!!) And it takes time for it to sink in, it takes time for me to accept the way God sees me, takes time for me to accept myself the way He does...And just to allow His love in completely...


I hope this is a good reminder for you because it certainly was for me...I think this is a closet struggle for a lot of us. Sometimes expectations from front, right, left and center put us at a high pedestal position and when we think we've failed, the drop from the top is long and we feel the pain of crashing...But I think it's important to know that God doesn't see us that way...It's not about performing, not about living up to things...The hardest, yet easiest thing we can do is to know and accept that who we are (exactly as we are now) is all God loves and cares about...That's all...



Let me know your thoughts and struggles, if you have any, it's good to know I'm not alone too,haha ;)